Feelings

I'm always talking about my feelings, how I feel about something... Everything I talk about is revolved around that. To add onto that, lately I have been feeling a lot of pain inside, from everything. Everything from the past, present, possible future, family, friends, etc... and this pain inside me is overflowing waiting to explode but nothing comes out because I hardened myself so much to prevent myself because I have to focus on living in the present and dealing with what is in front of me. Sometimes I feel like if I let myself cry I will not stop and I will feel raw inside, so vulnerable. Other times I think too much about things, I distract my feelings to not express them. I do this all the time actually with everyone, especially myself.

This fear and inability to express this pain I have is becoming my disability. Maybe it's depression again? Why can't I just be happy? Why does everything have to be so hard? Life is so hard right now financially and family wise. I lost 10 lbs, I never been this thin since I was in high school. I'm sure if I eat more food I will gain more weight. It's kind of nice but who cares what you look like when you are incapable of being happy and actually enjoying life? I wish I was never born, I hate living in this world.

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for my family & friends. Having everything I could possibly need to survive, having a home, job, and plenty of food. Even tho it is taking me forever to do what my generation is doing, I'm thankful for my current experiences and the people I encounter that is constantly teaching me new things and helping me become a better person.

Something's wrong with me...

I feel like something is wrong with me... I am heading downhill. It's subtle, not obvious but I feel like it will someday.

I don't really know how to describe it because it's so subtle that maybe it's just nothing... who knows?

Life is moving fast and I feel like I can barely keep up. Where does all my energy go? Will I be able to accomplish my goals?

I keep thinking about the past, my past mistakes... I refuse to fail... I just can't afford to.

I got a PO BOX for the first time, I plan to keep it for awhile because I keep moving and stuff and it's convenient to have.

I'm taking a bunch of political science courses and I must admit it is fascinating. I feel like I am learning so much and a whole new world has been opened for me. Still it's hard to keep up, there is so much I don't know already to be able to really form an opinion. I rather live in the US though to be honest, I know we have our faults but I really think it's the best place to live.

Beliefs

I noticed something interesting. People have strong beliefs. Not just religious but their beliefs in the people they want to believe. Such as politicians, friends; in things like values, lifestyles, rights, etc. And when that belief in someone or something they believe in is questioned in anyway whatsoever, it's disbelief. Absolute denial or support. Even like the thing about liberals vs. conservatives. They have strong hatred for each other, even if one has something good to say the other ignores them simply because they're liberal or whatever. Because of that person's "category" one refuses to even consider their thoughts or opinions. Or what is a better word? Their grouping? But at the same time it's so very important for people to belong or believe in something. To tear that apart is like destroying their humanity, sort of. I guess not everyone can have that ability to put aside their own opinions/beliefs and listen once in awhile.

I love having braces

Well it has officially become one month since braces and at first I thought I haven't seen much movement but really it has moved quite a bit! I have been taking pictures nonstop and comparing the first day and today. It has definitely moved! Still a long ways to go! It feels good having them on, I feel like progress!

Funny

I was viewing this book on Amazon, "In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto" and I came across a review I needed to copy and paste on here because to me it is so damn funny.

I got braces!

So earlier today at 9am I got my braces. The hardest part was putting the band in. My back teeth are kind of inside the tissue gum line but somehow they managed to put one on. After lying there trying to breathe it was finally over and I had the weirdest sensation in my mouth. I certainly felt the metal taste, which is gone now, and it feels sooo sooo soo weird.

I bought myself The Braces Cookbook from Amazon so I am not stuck eating smoothies all day. I figured since the braces will be in my mouth for 2 years or so I should get something that will help me along this path.

Somehow I managed to get a canker sore on the tip of my tongue so that hurts more than the braces. I need to stop taking naps, it's hard to sleep at night.