Well I am finally going to do it. April, May, June, it's been 3 months and I am finally going to get them on June 9th. I am worried I still have cavities left over but the Dentist filled every cavity they found. At Dental Aid they found 2 others but you know my mouth will probably always have something wrong with it. I got dental insurance so I don't go to Dental Aid anymore but I like my current dentist, my fillings looks like he stuffs the filling out of each tooth.
Anyway I don't really eat sweets but I still need to take better care of my teeth. I really like like the
Glide Deep Clean Floss, it leaves a refreshing feeling on my gums when I floss. So yeah I got 4 teeth extracted and I must say it is quite uncomfortable eating without those teeth. I've been wanting straight teeth for a very long time and I am glad I am finally getting it done. Somehow in the chaotic timeline of my life I managed to accomplish something on my list. In the fall hopefully I will get the other thing accomplished on my list.
So yeah I don't speak to my sister anymore. I also changed my phone number. It's just that I can't handle her moods, when she gets upset she freaks out and does not get over it for hours, days. Her abusive language is endless and I feel like she is like a child who never learned how to hold back emotions, calm down, you know? I don't know, I just know that I can't deal with that kind of crap in my life. I am barely taking care of myself as it is I don't want to deal with someone dragging me down. I don't think she knows how to talk to me, be supportive. All she knows how to do is criticize, insult, criticize, etc. I don't blame her for it, it's just who she is but because of that I can't have her in my life. I am already hard on myself as it is, I'm very harsh on myself and I don't need someone else to put me down even more further than I already am. If i continue including her in my life I feel like I will end up committing suicide. Rather than deal with her nonstop abuse, I would shoot myself than go through that again. All my life I had to deal with it, no escape. When I had no car I was forced into a corner listening to her scream at me for hours, telling me I'm worthless, loser, failure. Every single day for 6 months until I finally managed to get a job and get the hell out. When I was in high school studying she would make fun of me saying my room stinks because I am studying so hard. I don't know why her words get to me, I guess it is because she is supposed to be this role, supportive role and she fails miserably. What is worst is that she thinks she does so much for me but all she does is give me clothes, buy me food, buy or give me things to make up for it. And honestly I don't really care about material things, I'd rather have a supportive loving family than an abusive, destructive one.
I guess I can't hate my family because the hardships I had to endure made me the person I am today. However if I had to do it over again, I'd rather not go through it again. I want a mom taking care of me, being there for me. I don't want to worry about providing myself essential needs and dealing with abusive destructive words thrown at me everyday. Even though my dad was hardly around I know he did the best he could so I don't blame him. I wish I can help him and take care of him but I am taking forever figuring out who I am and what I am going to do with myself.
I know for a fact that I do not want to get married and have kids, passing my defective genes to the next generation. I don't want to live in Colorado. I also do not want a dead-end job or any job in any room 8 hours a day with no windows. I also don't want a low paying job that does not require much brain power. I know I am not stupid, and the desire and passion is what will help me thrive. I can't live my life if I am forced to live that life. In fact I will probably end my life now if that is what I will be living in the future. So yeah for the sake of my existence it is very important that I succeed and accomplish my goals. I want to change, change my life, I can't live like this forever.
So hopefully 3 years from now I will be in a different place, country, etc, doing something different. I am not getting any younger, and frankly it makes me very sad I am getting older accomplishing so little in my life.
I work as a cashier and it's an interesting job because I encounter different kinds of people everyday. I guess Boulder is special like that. What I mean is Boulder has a lot of rich people and hippies. So I meet people from all classes. I see the black American Express card on several occasions, Rolexes, Mercedez-Benz, BMWs, transactions over $1,000.00. One time this lady paid for something in cash that was like over $2,000.00. I also see a lot of dogs too and people that obsess over their dogs. People that spend a lot of money on their dogs. In fact sometimes I wish I was a rich person's dog because those dogs live better than me! Anyways it is very interesting meeting all kinds of people. I meet a lot of business owners who own accounts at the store as well, yoga instructors, art students, architectural students, dentist, doctors, professors, lawyers, priests, etc etc. I am always interested in seeing how these people live their lives.
There are several dogs that I come to love, like this Great Pyrenees that got adopted by this man who was abused. When I first met this dog it was thin and hair was all thin. Couple months later the dog looks good, hair is growing back and happy, not quite as shy. Another dog named Hercules, huge Bernese Mountain Dog. He looks like he is zoning out, takes so much space in the ailse, incredibly adorable. I love meeting those dogs. Also I can never get tired of Golden Retrievers, they have so much joy in their eyes every time.
I also have the worst memory and sometimes people would come back couple hours later and I wouldn't remember. I think it's because I am short and my peripheral vison is bad b/c of glasses. Meaning I look down at the items and not at the person. If the transaction is taking some time I look up at their face but not with everyone. If they are especially tall I probably will not recognize them later on. I think I am starting to remember the regulars because they come to the store at least 2-3 times a week. I also notice that people generally dress the same. I mean I dress the same but at work everyone I work with has a certain dress code, they always have that one thing that makes them recognizable. Whether it is their hat, hoodie, hairstyle, jeans, shoes, etc. What am I saying who cares? I guess I am just bored.
I am also reading this book called "the outliers" quite interesting indeed. I have lots to do this weekend, I will be organizing all my paperwork and making a list of all the places I lived in the last 5 years. I need to visit my dad soon, even though I don't want to now that my sister lives there. Oh well what can I do? Gotta deal with it. Make peace, I probably won't give her my number though so I don't want to worry about her contacting me.
I know I isolate myself but I find comfort in my alone time. As you can see I think too much.
